Confessions of an Unfit Mother

Quote: “That’s not sweat, it’s my body crying….” Anonymous

Are you there Richard Simmons? It’s me…Unfit Mommy. I just got my “A” kicked by a lovely Fitness Guru from CardioCore named Leanne. I’m in so much freakin pain right now. I am feeling parts of my body I didn’t know existed. Did you know there were muscles behind your knees?? My thighs are burning so much if I rub them together I think I could light the pilot on my furnace. Did I mention I am writing this from the floor of my bedroom where I landed Tuesday night and cannot get up from…?


Being a former Athlete (high school sports teams count right?) and totally being the master at Wii Zumba I figured I would have no problem keeping up with a little fitness demo with the Momstown Crew. With my yoga mat under my arm (tags still on), my water bottle, and my cute little shorts I bought that morning I walked into that gymnasium feeling pretty confident. This would be a piece of cake. Mmmm cake. Anyways, I stepped threw the open door into the building and looked around the large space we would be calling home for the next hour. It reminded me of the gym we had in middle school. Standard Basketball Court-CHECK. Floors that squeak with the touch of my sneakers – CHECK. I felt very comfortable and eager to start working out. I turned my head and saw a smiling face staring back at me. It was Leanne our wonderful Cardio Core Instructor/Angel of Death. Her sweet smile and gentle voice showed me no indication of the pain and suffering I would be feeling later on. In front of me stretched an ominous row of bright orange pylons that seemed to go on forever. To the left I saw piles of 5lb weights and small towels strategically placed around the gym floor. “We are going to have so much fun!” an optimistic Leanne said. I don’t remember props on my "Sweating to the Oldies" DVDs I thought to myself. It was at this point I realized “Richard, I don’t think we’re at Dairy Queen anymore”.

Over the next few minutes others started to trickle in the door for our night of sweaty fun. The regulars were in full gear with their own weights and mats in tow. Each person looking more ripped then the last. I swear I saw one of the ladies on the cover of Oxygen Magazine last month. Leanne introduced me to the group of buff goddesses. Everyone was very friendly, encouraging and supportive with me being a Newbie to the club. I felt intrigued by the workout equipment around the room and I was excited to start the class.


We started our workout with some laps around the gym followed by sprints across the room, and high kicks. Then we continued with links of lunges and squats. After what seemed like an eternity my heart was racing, my breath was short, legs were shaking, and sweat drenched my body. I was ready to call it a day when Leanne said “Great warm up guys – now let’s get started!” Let’s get started?!? You mean we’re not finished? My body asked.

We moved onto other combos – Spider Climbs, followed by planking, Sumo Squats, and Burpees along with other torturous activities my body has never done before. For those of you who don’t know “Burpee” is Latin for “Death by jumping push-ups”.



To watch the regulars in the class you would think these moves were so easy. They effortlessly moved across the floor with grace and precision from position to position. Every movement like a perfectly executed ballet of intensity and strength. Then there was me still struggling to complete my first crunch in a pile of jelly on the floor.



After an hour with some prayer and a lot of wonderful encouragement from Leanne and the group I completed the “Modified” program without vomiting. WOOT WOOT! As I clasped onto the yoga mat in a puddle of my own perspiration a feeling of relief and triumph washed over me. Was it because even with a lack of oxygen to my brain I could still remember those three important numbers - 911? Strangely no. It was that now I could see why these ladies push themselves like crazy every week. The feeling of accomplishment and pride is overwhelming and completely diminishes the fact I may never walk again. I rolled over onto my right side hoping I could regain the strength to crawl from my mat outside to my car 20 feet away when one of the girls asks, “Are you coming back Thursday?”

This blog was written by our new fabulous and extremely humorous mommy blogger Jenny Dean. Please give her a warm welcome by leaving her a comment on your thoughts about this post.