After having children sex with your partner becomes not unlike the mythological creature Big Foot. People claim to have seen it, there are legends of it happening but there is no actual proof. Just a couple of blurry photos and strange hair in weird places. Ew. With Valentines Day fast approaching I have to wonder how other parents find the time or energy to keep the magic alive. Between raising two kids, working two jobs, play dates, swimming lessons, and everything else that comes along with parenting I feel like there are not enough hours or enough caffeine to even consider having a good romp with my hubby.
Sex has become a scheduled event in my day planner alongside things like “Visiting the Butterfly Conservatory” and “Grandmas Birthday”. Even with careful planning I find the dates and times almost impossible to stick too. I feel like I am trapped in some bad nature channel special with your host Outback Jack trying too prove that sex between busy parents ever really existed.
“We are here deep in the wilderness trying to catch a glimpse of the elusive Beast with Two Backs….”
There are so many things you must take into consideration when scheduling intimacy down to the second. Where to have it (are you really willing to injure yourself on the bathroom counter for it?), what outfit is the easiest/fastest to get out of (skirts always work best), where are the kids (will they hear us?) and of course do we have time for foreplay? To all the men reading this YOU ALWAYS HAVE TIME FOR FOREPLAY.
There are so many factors that can distract you from your goal of intercourse but I have narrowed my favourites down to my three most important “rules” to live by when getting it on. You may notice they are not unlike the “Rules” established in the 1984hit movie Gremlins.
Number 1: NEVER FEED THEM AFTER MIDNIGHT. Ok so no mother is actually up after midnight let alone after 9pm unless your little one is having a bad night sleep. We can just say no big meals 2hrs before and definitely nothing carbonated to drink. This may be your last chance for a while to seal the deal so you don’t want to become bloated or have some ill-timed indigestion or heartburn episode to spoil the mood.
Number 2: KEEP THEM AWAY FROM BRIGHT LIGHTS. You will most likely have to do your love making undercover. You only have a short period of time to complete the task and if it happens to be during the day when others are home turning the lights on may draw attention to you and your partner. Plus, you probably have not slept properly in months and keeping the lights dimmed not only creates a romantic atmosphere but can also camouflage the bags under your eyes and the baby food on your shirt.
Number 3: NEVER NEVER GET THEM WET. This may be the most crucial of all the rules. Sure a sexy shower does seem like it would be great fun and the sound of the water may in fact drown out some of the sounds that you make during coitus but when you are in a time crutch completely stripping down to your b-day suit takes up precious seconds. Plus there is always the explaining afterwards to the curious kids on why both of your heads of hair are wet and they only heard one shower.
If all of these rules are followed, careful planning is done, the kids go to sleep on time, outfits are reversible, rooms are sound proofed, lights are left dim, you only eat a light lunch and you still have the energy then you too may be able to keep the magic alive. And honey, if you are reading this – I will see you 2 weeks from Thursday 3:14pm sharp in the broom closet.
This blog was written by our new fabulous and extremely humorous mommy blogger Jenny Dean.
1 comment:
Ahahaha. So funny! And true for most of my girlfriends. So much planning!
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